Hi Sweets! How are ya?
First things first, ok? The title of this post is one of my favorite lyrics from one of my all time favorite songs, All Too Well by Taylor Swift. Feel what you feel about her, but that song is lyrical genius and the line “I might be okay, but I’m not fine at all” has been such a tangible reference to the past year of my life.
There really is no point to this post other than to say hello and let you know a bit about how I’ve been. It’s been a little over a month since I’ve been around on the blog and truth be told, part of me misses writing and engaging with an audience.
To be completely frank with you, the past year has been consistently tough. I did a lot of reflecting and healing in 2018 after I experienced some trauma. With all of the work I was doing on myself, I was hoping I would go into 2019 (7 months after incident) much healthier, happier, and optimistic. And sure, at times I was doing good. Great even. But with the highs come the lows… often times the lowest of lows.
Last month (May,) I experienced more heartbreak and loss. In fact, the worst loss I’ve ever experienced. My struggles of last year pale in comparison to this. Crazy to think about considering how much pain I was in at that time. Please don’t worry, my husband and my children are doing great. But I experienced a loss that knocked me flat on my butt and leaving the bed felt impossible most days. The kids are home from school for summer break and they have SAVED ME. If it weren’t for them, I think the pain would have been unbearable. Every day I was forced to cover my face with a hat and huge sunglasses and silently cry to myself as I shuttled them from pool, to lake, to book store, and back again.
I needed to be sure that my pain wasn’t having a negative impact on them, after all, they suffered a loss as well; the first major loss in their lives and it showed me just how strong they are. It taught me how they handle pain in their own ways. My daughter took to a camera and journaling and my son preferred to talk about all of his favorite, beautiful memories. They are aware I am sad because we have talked about it and I have cried both in front of them and with them. That being said, crying is one thing, hysterics is another. The times when I was crying so hard I couldn’t catch my breath? That is what I needed to protect them from.
If it hadn’t been for them keeping me active and my husband helping me with the day-to-day routine of our lives, I wouldn’t have left my bed. For them, I am forever grateful.
*Insert cliche caption about the ocean being therapy for the soul
At this point, after two years of devastating trauma and heartbreak, all of which happened in the month of May, it feels like the month will forever bring me a massive amount of grief. I’ve been working hard to turn those feelings into those of hope and purpose. I’ll let you know when I get there.
Some people won’t understand it and that’s okay. Going through these things in my life have taught me a lot, and as silly as it sounds, it has made me see my social media platforms in a different light. I’ve realized that my privacy is important. While I love to share because I love to help others, my pain and life experiences are not for others to question and critique. It has taught me that while I love to create and publish, I have no desire to partake in the “influencer game” of chasing fame and likes. I think social media teaches our brains to focus in on the versions of ourselves that should be on the best vacation wearing the best clothes, but real life is going through real shit and not trying to maintain a perfect appearance of a perfect life.
That’s all I’ve got for ya folks! I’m sure I will sit down on YouTube soon and talk to ya face to face, but for now this will have to do.
Thank you for the wellness checks across all of my platforms. It’s been too difficult to respond to everyone individually, so I hope this gives you a proper insight into where I’m at.
Love you always.